Can Attached Help Your Relationship? A Couples Therapist’s Honest Review
Book Review: ‘Attached’ Through the Lens of Couples Therapy
As therapists, we’re often asked what we think of popular relationship books—especially ones that clients bring in themselves. One of the most commonly referenced is Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. This bestseller has become a staple in conversations about dating and relationships, particularly among people trying to understand themselves and their partners better. So, what do we think of Attached from the perspective of couples therapy?
A Quick Recap: What Is Attached About?
Attached introduces readers to the science of adult attachment theory. The authors explain three primary attachment styles:
● Secure: People with this style are generally comfortable with emotional closeness and independence.
● Anxious: These individuals often crave intimacy and may worry about abandonment.
● Avoidant: People with this style tend to prioritize independence and may feel overwhelmed by too much closeness.
The book suggests that understanding your own and your partner’s attachment style can drastically change how you date, communicate, and resolve conflict. The central message? Choose someone secure, and if you’re not secure yourself, start recognizing your patterns so you can shift them.
Ultimately, Attached offers a very helpful framework—especially for those who question whether attachment styles are relevant in adult relationships and want to learn about their own or their partner’s attachment style. For many, this book is a revelation. It puts words to relational experiences that may have felt confusing, chaotic, or even shameful. For people stuck in a pursuer-withdrawer cycle (a dynamic we see often in couples therapy), the descriptions of anxious and avoidant attachment can feel like finally being understood.
The Pros: Why We Recommend It (With Some Caveats)
There are several reasons why Attached continues to resonate with so many people:
● Accessibility: The writing is clear, straightforward, and doesn’t require a background in psychology to understand.
● Validation: Many readers feel seen for the first time. It normalizes how hard relationships can feel when attachment systems are activated.
● Insight into Relationship Dynamics: The book does a great job of describing common patterns like the anxious-avoidant trap, where one partner pursues and the other withdraws—something we see regularly in couples therapy.
● Empowering: It encourages readers to reflect on how their upbringing and past experiences shape current behaviors.
● Concrete Examples: There are plenty of relatable stories that help people recognize themselves in the pages.
In couples therapy, we often see people have “aha” moments when they first encounter the language of attachment. It can provide a much-needed reframe—less about what’s wrong with them or their partner, and more about what’s familiar, what’s protective, and what can change.
The Cons: What We Think It Misses
While Attached can be a powerful tool for self-awareness, it’s not without its limitations:
● Over-Simplification: The book presents only three attachment styles and largely ignores the fourth: fearful-avoidant (also known as disorganized). This can leave some readers feeling unseen.
● Judgment Toward Avoidants: The tone around avoidant individuals can feel subtly judgmental. Rather than
encouraging understanding or healing, the book sometimes implies that anxious individuals are just seeking intimacy and should avoid avoidants altogether as they are incapable of intimacy. In reality, avoidant folks are not “bad partners”—but they may need to do more individual healing work to feel safe with vulnerability and closeness and to learn to show up differently in relationships. That individual work can be a powerful way to prepare for couples therapy and learn to engage more fully.
● Lack of Nuance Around Growth: There’s an emphasis on finding someone secure, which can unintentionally feel shaming for readers who identify as anxious or avoidant. It may leave them wondering, “Am I unlovable until I’m secure?” We believe people can grow within relationships—especially ones where both partners are willing to do the work.
● Neglects the Role of Trauma: Attachment styles are deeply influenced by life experiences and trauma history. The book touches on this, but not deeply. In therapy, we explore how trauma (including collective relational “big T” or “little “t” T/traumas) shapes our strategies for connection.
● Surface-Level Strategies: While the book offers some good general advice, it doesn’t go far into what it actually looks like to change attachment behaviors—especially within the context of long-term partnerships or couples therapy. It’s more about recognition of the patterns and finding a good partner. Its a great entry point for gaining awareness and provides a wonderful vocabulary to rely on during therapy work.
Our Take as Couples Therapists
If you’re curious about attachment theory and want a solid starting point, Attached can be a useful and validating read. It can help clarify why certain relationships feel hard and offer language for what you might want in future ones. It can also help couples make sense of ongoing patterns, especially those caught in cycles of disconnection and protest.
But it’s not the whole picture. Attachment is more dynamic than any typology can capture, and people are capable of healing and growing in connection—not just alone.
In couples therapy at Restored Counseling and Wellness, we go deeper. We explore not only your individual style, but also how your nervous systems respond to each other, how communication patterns reinforce disconnection, and how to create safety so new patterns can emerge. Avoidants can become more close and open. Anxious partners can feel more grounded and comfortable with space. And secure functioning relationships can absolutely be built—with care, time, and mutual effort.
So if you’ve read Attached and felt a mix of recognition, hope, and maybe a little shame or discouragement—know that you’re not alone. You are not broken. And couples therapy might be a space where you can bring these insights and turn them into something transformative.
Curious to Explore This More?
Whether you’re anxious, avoidant, disorganized, secure—or not quite sure—attachment theory can be a powerful lens for understanding your relationships. In couples therapy or individual therapy, we’ll help you uncover the patterns keeping you stuck and build a relationship that feels more connected, honest, and secure.
Reach out to learn more about therapy at Restored Counseling and Wellness Center.
Restored Counseling & Wellness Center
633 E. Ray Rd. Ste 131
Gilbert, AZ 85296
Phone: 480-256-2999
Text: 480-256-2829