Attachment Isn’t Just for Kids: What It Means in Adult Relationships
Understanding Attachment Styles in Couples Therapy
One of the most common concepts that comes up in couples therapy is attachment theory. While it’s often associated with early childhood development, more and more people are learning that attachment styles extend far beyond infancy. In fact, our adult romantic relationships are often the most powerful arenas where our attachment patterns play out. Though not always the same as our attachment styles in childhood, the science is clear – attachment is a lifelong phenomenon.
At Restored Counseling and Wellness Center, we frequently work with couples who are navigating the push and pull of differing attachment needs. Couples therapy provides a space to explore these patterns not as flaws, but as opportunities for growth, understanding, and connection.
What Is Attachment Theory, Really?
Attachment theory began as a way to understand how infants form bonds with their caregivers. Psychologist John Bowlby developed the theory in the mid-20th century, and his colleague Mary Ainsworth later expanded it with observational studies, leading to the identification of different attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (anxious + avoidant).
But here’s the important part: despite the persistent myth that attachment theory only applies to parent-child dynamics, decades of research have shown that adult attachment styles are just as real, relevant, and influential. In fact, adult attachment theory has been studied extensively by scientists in the fields of psychology, neuroscience, and relationship research. It’s now widely accepted that our early experiences and our relationships beyond infancy shape how we connect with others later in life—including in our romantic relationships. While attachment patterns often begin in childhood, they don’t always stay the same. Our attachment style in adulthood can shift over time based on new relational experiences, healing, or challenges. In other words, attachment exists in both child-caregiver and adult-adult relationships, but it can look—and function—differently across the lifespan.
In couples therapy, we often help clients identify their own and their partner’s attachment styles. Recognizing these patterns can immediately reduce blame and increase empathy. Instead of seeing a partner’s withdrawal as coldness or a partner’s clinginess as irrational, we begin to understand these behaviors as adaptive strategies rooted in past experiences.
How Common Are the Different Styles?
Research estimates that about 50-60% of people have a secure attachment style, which means they generally feel comfortable with intimacy and independence in relationships. The remaining 40-50% of people fall into one of the insecure categories:
● Anxious (preoccupied): People with this style often worry about abandonment and seek constant reassurance.
● Avoidant (dismissive): These individuals may prioritize independence and feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness.
● Disorganized (fearful-avoidant): Often linked to unresolved trauma, this style can involve a mix of both anxious and avoidant tendencies.
In our clinic, we often see anxious and avoidant partners drawn to one another. It might seem counterintuitive, but this pairing is incredibly common—and makes a lot of sense through the lens of attachment theory. We are often drawn to familiar dynamics, even if they are painful, in an unconscious attempt to rewrite the script. That anxious partner who longs for closeness may see something familiar in the avoidant partner’s emotional distance, hoping this time it will be different. Likewise, the avoidant partner might be drawn to the anxious partner’s intensity, while still feeling discomfort about their own vulnerability.
Couples therapy offers a space to slow this dance down and understand what’s happening beneath the surface. It’s not about changing your partner—it’s about understanding your own triggers and patterns, and learning to communicate from a place of awareness rather than reactivity.
Why Attachment Theory Matters in Couples Therapy
Couples therapy that integrates attachment theory can help people understand why certain relational patterns keep repeating. Many couples find themselves stuck in cycles of conflict or disconnection without understanding why. Attachment-focused couples therapy can shine a light on these patterns and offer a roadmap out.
For example:
● A partner with an anxious style might interpret a late text response as a sign of abandonment.
● A partner with an avoidant style might feel smothered by a request for emotional check-ins.
When these patterns go unspoken, couples fall into the trap of making assumptions, personalizing behaviors, and triggering one another. But when we use the language of attachment, we can reframe these behaviors with compassion.
In couples therapy, we help clients:
● Identify their attachment style and how it was shaped
● Recognize their partner’s attachment cues and needs
● Build tools to communicate needs clearly and non-defensively
● Develop new ways of connecting that feel safe for both people
It’s not about labeling anyone as “too needy” or “too distant.” It’s about understanding the emotional wiring that underlies those reactions. Once couples have that understanding, they can begin to make intentional choices about how they respond to each other.
Why It’s Worth Exploring
Attachment theory has stood the test of time and scientific scrutiny because it provides a powerful framework for understanding ourselves and our relationships. When integrated into couples therapy, it allows us to move beyond surface-level problems and get to the heart of what we all long for: to feel seen, safe, and connected.
Whether you’re newly dating, navigating a long-term partnership, or repairing a relationship after betrayal, understanding attachment can help you show up more fully for yourself and your partner.
At Restored Counseling and Wellness, we specialize in couples therapy that’s grounded in real science and real human experience. Attachment is just one of the powerful tools we use to help couples grow—not just individually, but together.
If you’re curious to learn more about your attachment style or how these dynamics may be playing out in your relationship, couples therapy might be a supportive next step.
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Interested in diving deeper into how your relationship patterns are shaped? Reach out to us to learn more about our couples therapy services.
Restored Counseling & Wellness Center
633 E. Ray Rd. Ste 131
Gilbert, AZ 85296
Phone: 480-256-2999
Text: 480-256-2829