Fighting Fair: How to Navigate Conflict in a Relationship Without Causing Harm
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. How you argue, however, determines whether your relationship strengthens or suffers. Fighting fair means expressing your needs, emotions, and concerns in a way that fosters understanding and repair rather than creating distance and defensiveness. Many couples unknowingly get trapped in unhealthy cycles of conflict, where one partner pursues while the other withdraws, leading to frustration, resentment, and a lack of resolution.
This post will guide you through the process of breaking free from those patterns and engaging in healthy, productive conflict resolution that deepens your connection rather than erodes it.
Understanding the Cycle: The Pursuer and the Withdrawer
Imagine this scenario: One partner (the pursuer) feels hurt or unheard and starts pushing for a response, seeking reassurance or engagement. The other partner (the withdrawer), overwhelmed by conflict, retreats—perhaps literally leaving the room or emotionally shutting down. This reaction triggers the pursuer to push even harder, feeling abandoned or invalidated. The withdrawer, feeling criticized or unable to meet expectations, pulls away further. The cycle escalates until both partners feel frustrated, unheard, and nowhere near a productive, solution-focused, adult conversation.
This cycle doesn’t mean either partner is wrong—it’s simply an instinctive response to stress that usually stems from your family of origin (also known as your attachment style). The goal is to break this cycle by slowing down, centering yourself, and choosing to communicate from your highest, most adult self rather than from a triggered, wounded or guarded part of you.
Step 1: Pause Before Reacting
When you feel triggered, resist the urge to immediately react. Instead, take a break—go for a short walk, take deep breaths, or find another way to self-soothe. You may need to communicate to your partner that you need a break. This time allows you to:
● Identify what emotions are arising (anger, sadness, fear, rejection, helplessness?) and be curious where they might be coming from.
● Comfort the impacted (often younger) part of you that might be feeling unseen, unheard, or unimportant. Ask yourself what you need to feel better in the moment or complete the stress cycle (go for a run, call a friend, etc.).
● Reconnect with your best self—the version of you that wants to resolve issues with love and respect, not through blame or withdrawal.
Only when you feel calm, centered, and in control should you return to the conversation. Remember, your body is having a physiological response and it needs time to settle (think of a snowglobe).
Step 2: State the Objective Fact of What Happened
Once you are ready to communicate, begin with a neutral observation, free from judgment or accusations. Stick to the facts.
Example: “I notice that you often start checking your phone while I’m talking to you.”
Avoid ‘YOU’ statements like: “You never listen to me!” or “You’re always on your phone!” These are often received as blame or accusations, only to trigger more defensiveness.
Step 3: Communicate Your Hurt Feelings Vulnerably (With a Positive-Sandwich)
To encourage receptiveness, frame your concern with kindness–as much as possible.
Example: “I really value our conversations and love sharing my thoughts with you. When you check your phone while I’m talking, I feel hurt and unimportant. I want to feel like what I say matters to you as much as it matters to me.”
This approach shows appreciation while also expressing the emotional impact of their actions.
Step 4: Share the “Story You Tell Yourself”
Often, we react not just to an event, but to the meaning we attach to it. By stating your internal story, you invite your partner into your emotional experience without blaming them or getting stuck in a ‘right vs. wrong’ argument.
Example: “The story I tell myself when you look at your phone while I’m talking is that I’m not important to you. I start to believe that you’re bored, that you don’t care about what I’m saying, or that you’d rather be doing something else.”
This invites your partner to understand your inner world, whether it is objectively true or not, rather than feeling attacked.
Step 5: Identify Why It’s Hurtful
If possible, try to connect your emotional reaction to a deeper wound or past experience. Often, our strongest reactions come from unresolved childhood experiences or even past relationship injuries.
Example: “I think this is so painful for me because, growing up, I often felt unheard. My feelings weren’t always validated, and I had to work hard to get attention. When I experience moments like this now, those old wounds resurface.”
This level of vulnerability helps your partner see the root of your emotions rather than just the surface frustration. It also allows you to take responsibility for your own emotional part in the matter.
Step 6: Make a Clear Request for Change
Healthy conflict resolution includes a path forward. Express what would help you feel more connected and respected in these moments.
Example: “To help us have a stronger relationship, it would mean a lot to me if you could be present during our conversations and wait to check your phone until after we’re done talking. If there’s something urgent, I’d appreciate it if you could let me know rather than just checking it mid-conversation.”
Step 7: Allow Your Partner to Respond
Now, it’s your partner’s turn to process and respond. A partner who remains in their window of tolerance—meaning they can handle emotions without becoming defensive or dysregulated—will ideally acknowledge your feelings, validate your experience, and express empathy.
A healthy response might sound like:
● “I’m really sorry that my actions made you feel unimportant. That was never my intention. I care about you and our conversations, and I’ll work on being more present.”
● “I understand why this is painful for you. Thank you for explaining it to me. I’ll make a conscious effort to put my phone away when we talk.”
Step 8: Repair the Rupture
Intentions matter less than addressing the impact. Even if your partner didn’t mean to hurt you and you may still need to work on healing some of your own triggers, their actions still had an effect. The goal is not to defend one’s intentions but to repair the hurt and own the impact.
A defensive response would be: “I didn’t mean to ignore you, you are just too sensitive” -or- “It’s not my fault, I just have ADHD and can’t listen to anyone talk for more than two minutes.”
Instead, partners can focus on making amends. Healthy repair might look like:
● Apologizing sincerely
o I’m sorry you felt that way is not an apology, as it blames the hurt individual and dismisses their feelings.
o I’m sorry my actions hurt you, or I’m sorry I’ve been checking my phone so much during our conversations owns the behavior and takes accountability for the impact
● Offering physical touch (if welcome/desired)
● Creating new agreements (e.g., “Let’s set aside phone-free time for important talks.”)
● Asking, “What do you need from me to move forward?”
Step 9: Ensure Both Partners Feel Heard and Ready to Move Forward
A conflict isn’t resolved until both people feel that repair has happened. Check in with each other:
● “Do you feel like I understand where you’re coming from?”
● “Do you feel better about this now?”
● “Is there anything else you need from me to feel good about this?”
The Bottom Line: Fighting Fair Strengthens Relationships
Fighting fair is about feeling safe enough to bring concerns and injuries to your partner, breaking destructive cycles, communicating from a place of vulnerability (rather than reactivity) and prioritizing repair over being “right.”
When both partners approach conflict with empathy, responsibility, and care, arguments become opportunities for deeper understanding and intimacy rather than sources of division.
Healthy relationships aren’t free of conflict—they’re built on the ability to navigate conflict with mutual respect and love. By implementing these steps, you and your partner can transform your arguments into moments of growth, ensuring that even in the toughest conversations, your relationship remains strong and connected.
Choosing the Right Couples Therapist in Gilbert, AZ
If you’d like support in learning and practicing some of these tools in your relationship, look for a licensed therapist with experience in couples therapy, certification in Emotionally Focused Therapy, and a track record of positive outcomes. At Restored Counseling & Wellness Center in Gilbert, our therapists specialize in couples therapy and are dedicated to providing compassionate, evidence-based care tailored to your unique needs. Reach out today to get started!
Restored Counseling & Wellness Center
633 E. Ray Rd. Ste 131
Gilbert, AZ 85296
Phone: 480-256-2999
Text: 480-256-2829