Our Take on the Gottman Four Horsemen: Does It Mean the End of the Relationship?
When Rachel and David walked into therapy, they sat on opposite ends of the couch, arms crossed, eyes heavy with exhaustion. “I don’t know if this is even worth it anymore,” Rachel admitted. “We fight constantly, and I feel like we’re just… done.” David exhaled sharply, nodding. “I don’t even know how we got here.”
Their words weren’t surprising. Many couples enter therapy feeling hopeless, believing their relationship is beyond repair. Often, at the heart of that despair are patterns identified by Drs. John and Julie Gottman as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The presence of these communication styles can predict relationship dissatisfaction and, if left unchecked, eventual dissolution. But does their appearance mean a relationship is doomed? Not necessarily.
Understanding the Four Horsemen
The Gottmans’ research, spanning decades and involving thousands of couples, has shown that these four behaviors, if persistent, are strong indicators of divorce or breakups. However, the key phrase here is “if persistent.” Just because a couple experiences these behaviors does not mean their relationship is over – it means it needs attention and change. Let’s briefly break down each of these warning signs:
1. Criticism – This goes beyond a complaint about a specific behavior; it attacks the person’s character. (“You never think about my needs” instead of “I felt hurt when you didn’t ask about my day.”)
2. Contempt – Considered the most destructive of the four, contempt conveys superiority and disrespect through sarcasm, name-calling, or even eye-rolling. This corresponds to the biggest predictor of divorce.
3. Defensiveness – Instead of taking responsibility, defensiveness shifts blame. (“It’s not my fault! You’re always the one making a big deal about everything.”)
4. Stonewalling – The shutting down or withdrawal from the conversation, often due to feeling emotionally overwhelmed, leads to disconnection rather than resolution.
Why These Patterns Matter
Research shows that when these behaviors become habitual, they erode trust and intimacy, making it harder for couples to feel safe and connected. However, they do not have to be permanent. Many couples, like Rachel and David, arrive in therapy entrenched in these patterns but are still open to the possibility of healing.
The good news? The antidotes to these behaviors exist, and with effort, relationships can be transformed.
Hope for Healing: Breaking the Cycle
If you recognize the Four Horsemen in your relationship, it’s a sign that your dynamic needs adjustment—not necessarily that your relationship is beyond saving. Here’s what it takes to turn things around:
1. Commit to the Process
Therapy isn’t a quick fix. Couples who heal from these patterns understand that meaningful change takes time. There will be setbacks, but if both partners commit to improving communication and rebuilding trust, progress is possible.
2. Do Your Individual Work
A healthy relationship requires two people bringing their best selves to the table. This means addressing personal triggers, past wounds, and emotional regulation skills. Individual therapy or self-reflection can help each partner manage stress, develop patience, and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
3. Replace the Horsemen with Their Antidotes
The Gottmans offer solutions for each of the Four Horsemen:
● Criticism → Gentle Start-Up: Express needs in a way that focuses on the issue, not the person. (“I feel lonely when we don’t connect. Can we plan a night together?”)
● Contempt → Build a Culture of Appreciation: Shift the focus to what your partner does well instead of what they lack.
● Defensiveness → Take Responsibility: Acknowledge your role, even if it’s small. (“You’re right, I should have listened more carefully.”)
● Stonewalling → Physiological Self-Soothing: Recognize when you’re overwhelmed and take a break, then return when calm.
4. Start Over Together
One of the most powerful steps a couple can take is agreeing to start fresh. This doesn’t mean erasing the past but choosing to reframe the relationship from this moment forward. Ask yourselves:
● What drew us to each other in the first place?
● What shared values do we still hold?
● What kind of relationship do we want to build?
● What small acts of kindness can we bring into our daily routine?
5. Find Shared Goals and Reasons to Stay
One of the most effective ways to move forward is by aligning on a common purpose. Whether it’s raising children, planning a future adventure, or simply wanting to grow old together, reconnecting with shared aspirations can be an anchor during difficult times.
When It Might Be Time to Walk Away
Not every relationship can or should be saved. If there is abuse, ongoing betrayal, or an unwillingness from one or both partners to engage in the healing process, ending the relationship may be the healthiest option. Therapy can also help navigate that decision with clarity and compassion.
Final Thoughts: It’s Not Over Unless You Decide It’s Over
Rachel and David didn’t transform overnight, but with time, effort, and guidance, they started to recognize their patterns and make conscious changes. They began expressing appreciation instead of contempt, taking responsibility instead of getting defensive, and checking in on each other’s emotional states before shutting down.
If your relationship is struggling with the Four Horsemen, take heart. Their presence is a warning sign, but it’s not a death sentence. With patience, individual growth, and a renewed commitment to each other, many couples find that their relationships not only survive but become stronger than ever. The key is recognizing the patterns, seeking help, and choosing – together – to rebuild.
So if you’re wondering whether it’s over, ask yourself: Are we willing to do the work? If the answer is yes, then there is always hope.
Find Support with Couples Therapy at Restored Counseling and Wellness
At Restored Counseling and Wellness in Gilbert, we understand how painful and discouraging relationship struggles can feel. Our experienced couples therapists help partners identify destructive patterns, rebuild trust, and create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Whether you’re looking to repair deep wounds or simply strengthen your connection, we provide evidence-based strategies tailored to your unique relationship needs. If you’re ready to take the next step, reach out today to schedule a consultation and begin your journey toward healing and connection
Restored Counseling & Wellness Center
633 E. Ray Rd. Ste 131
Gilbert, AZ 85296
Phone: 480-256-2999
Text: 480-256-2829